God's Reference

Man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. "God", he said, "how long is a million years?" 

God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute." 
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?" 
God answered, "To Me, it's a penny." 
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?" 
God said, "In a minute."

Atheist Prayer-line 

They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. 
You call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.

Miracle

Doctor: Your recovery was a miracle! 
Patient: PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you! 

Going Down 

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." 

"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

God's Watching The Apple

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples. It read, "Take only one, God is watching." 

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. 

One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."